so, i had this birthday party of a friend of mine this saturday,
and my somewhat ex was there as well,
at first i thought he was mad at me for some reason, but after a while we got talking and laughed and stuff. then he “accidentally” brushed my hand with his and after a while he put his hand on the small of my back. i got butterflies all over again. at the end of the night when everyone was leaving, we stayed behind and talked a little more. he suddenly halfway through our conversation put his forehead against mine and looked into my eyes, it was so lovely. then he probably realised what he was doing and pulled back, we both didn’t mention it, but at the end of our conversation, when we were almost literately kicked out of the house, he did it again. then he just walked away as if nothing happened.he probably thinks i don’t remember it because everyone who was at the party thought i was drunk. but i do, and he won’t talk to me.
last saturday there was a town party and i had such a good time, he brought me home afterwards. we sat talking in the park until 5 am and then went back to my place. everyone else was already asleep so we sat on the couch downstairs and talked for a little bit. then we cuddled some and he kissed me. it was so wonderful and i fell in love all over again. when he left at 6 he kissed me goodnight and left. he didn’t ask for my number, hasn’t contacted me in any way since. this just made me realise i’m still not over him and he still doesn’t have any real feelings for me.
the worst part is that he still smelled the same as he did four years ago, he smells like home.
He was just at my work and didn’t even look at me, i’m starting to think he only likes me when he’s drunk
so, my little brother just told me that someone from his class (he’s a cousin of one of His friends) told him that i kissed Him. so apparently he’s been telling people about kissing me and i don’t know how to feel about that. is it a good thing that he’s not like ashamed it happened? is he telling people because he thinks i’m a bitch because i haven’t contacted him? (he hasn’t contacted me either, so i think that’s not really something he can blame me for) but still one of his friends (who i also used to date (what am i even doing) and didn’t talk to me at all after we broke up) is now acting really nice towards me, he greets me when he sees me and smiles and everything.
i really wish i could just look into his mind to see what’s going on in there. i just can’t get what he said out of my mind.
why didn’t we work out before?
and the more i think about it, the more it seems to me that it didn’t work out because of him. i put myself out there and asked him straight up if he liked me, he responded with ‘i do, but not in the same way you like me’. that’s a pretty clear rejection right? so it is kind of his fault we didn’t work out. but after he said that my mind has been coming up with crazy things like maybe he thought you didn’t like him like that, so he didn’t reject me, he said he liked me more than i liked him. which he would obviously be very wrong about seeing as i really really liked him a lot and still do.
i really need some guy friends to talk with about this. the only problem is that i screwed up my friendship with the only boy that i could talk about this to. what even is that sentence. i’ll just stop now. this is enough for today.
i hope it all works out.
so, i had this birthday party of a friend of mine this saturday,
and my somewhat ex was there as well,
at first i thought he was mad at me for some reason, but after a while we got talking and laughed and stuff. then he “accidentally” brushed my hand with his and after a while he put his hand on the small of my back. i got butterflies all over again. at the end of the night when everyone was leaving, we stayed behind and talked a little more. he suddenly halfway through our conversation put his forehead against mine and looked into my eyes, it was so lovely. then he probably realised what he was doing and pulled back, we both didn’t mention it, but at the end of our conversation, when we were almost literately kicked out of the house, he did it again. then he just walked away as if nothing happened.he probably thinks i don’t remember it because everyone who was at the party thought i was drunk. but i do, and he won’t talk to me.
last saturday there was a town party and i had such a good time, he brought me home afterwards. we sat talking in the park until 5 am and then went back to my place. everyone else was already asleep so we sat on the couch downstairs and talked for a little bit. then we cuddled some and he kissed me. it was so wonderful and i fell in love all over again. when he left at 6 he kissed me goodnight and left. he didn’t ask for my number, hasn’t contacted me in any way since. this just made me realise i’m still not over him and he still doesn’t have any real feelings for me.
the worst part is that he still smelled the same as he did four years ago, he smells like home.
He was just at my work and didn’t even look at me, i’m starting to think he only likes me when he’s drunk
so, i had this birthday party of a friend of mine this saturday,
and my somewhat ex was there as well,
at first i thought he was mad at me for some reason, but after a while we got talking and laughed and stuff. then he “accidentally” brushed my hand with his and after a while he put his hand on the small of my back. i got butterflies all over again. at the end of the night when everyone was leaving, we stayed behind and talked a little more. he suddenly halfway through our conversation put his forehead against mine and looked into my eyes, it was so lovely. then he probably realised what he was doing and pulled back, we both didn’t mention it, but at the end of our conversation, when we were almost literately kicked out of the house, he did it again. then he just walked away as if nothing happened.he probably thinks i don’t remember it because everyone who was at the party thought i was drunk. but i do, and he won’t talk to me.
last saturday there was a town party and i had such a good time, he brought me home afterwards. we sat talking in the park until 5 am and then went back to my place. everyone else was already asleep so we sat on the couch downstairs and talked for a little bit. then we cuddled some and he kissed me. it was so wonderful and i fell in love all over again. when he left at 6 he kissed me goodnight and left. he didn’t ask for my number, hasn’t contacted me in any way since. this just made me realise i’m still not over him and he still doesn’t have any real feelings for me.
the worst part is that he still smelled the same as he did four years ago, he smells like home.
so, i had this birthday party of a friend of mine this saturday,
and my somewhat ex was there as well,
at first i thought he was mad at me for some reason, but after a while we got talking and laughed and stuff. then he “accidentally” brushed my hand with his and after a while he put his hand on the small of my back. i got butterflies all over again. at the end of the night when everyone was leaving, we stayed behind and talked a little more. he suddenly halfway through our conversation put his forehead against mine and looked into my eyes, it was so lovely. then he probably realised what he was doing and pulled back, we both didn’t mention it, but at the end of our conversation, when we were almost literately kicked out of the house, he did it again. then he just walked away as if nothing happened.
he probably thinks i don’t remember it because everyone who was at the party thought i was drunk. but i do, and he won’t talk to me.
I love getting lost in books. It’s a way for me to escape reality, to feel like people actually like me, where I can be brave and have a way with words. Where I can have deep conversations with others without me messing it up because every word, every line that comes out my mouth has been written and checked by others.
Ik haat dat ik niet weet hoe ik je moet helpen, dat ik nooit weet wat te zeggen omdat ik bang ben dat ik het alleen maar erger maak. Ik haat dat je het gevoel hebt dat je er alleen voor staat, want dit is niet zo. Ik ben er voor je, wanneer je ook maar iets nodig hebt kun je hier komen. Ik las het, ik las het allemaal. Ik neem het je niet kwalijk dat je dit niet durfde te vertellen, maar ik denk ook dat het goed is dat je alles er nu op deze manier uit hebt gelaten. Als je er ooit toch over wil praten ben ik er voor je. Ik ben er altijd voor je. Ik hoop dat je dit weet.
Whenever I see sad people, I can’t help feeling awful.
Maybe if I wasn’t such a worthless little fuck I could be able to help them feel better, but sadly enough I am. Every time I see one of my friends in pain, my fingers and arms start to ache to just reach out to them, to give them a hug or just someone to listen to. But if you listen, you are often expected to give advice or say something comforting afterwards and that’s where I mess up. No-one ever taught me how to be compassionate or how to help people. I’m trying my best to teach myself, but I’m failing miserably.
My biggest fear,
is ending up alone. Just living for my job and having no-one to come home to. If this is my future, I’m not sure if I want to live anymore.
First things my dad said to me this morning;
You’re so white, why don’t you go tanning? You look sick. You should change the way you wear your hair. Why don’t you go do something active? You could lose a few pounds.
Whenever I feel like I made someone mad or disappointed someone,
I always get very quiet, make no eye contact and show no sign of life for like half an hour, just thinking about how I could undo what I did.
But often that person isn’t even mad at me..
I just worry too much about what others think of me and I want it to stop.
